Snake Bitez: Gummi Snakes

I know you are probably sitting there asking yourself why anyone would want to review gummy snakes. Oh, and did I mention they are (almost) three foot long gummy snakes? Honestly, it was because my inner Samuel L. Jackson just could not resist putting these Mother Farking Snakes on my Mother Farking Blog!

Of course I tasted them like the true badass I am, wearing cool shades (indoors) and saying the "F" word a lot. (OK, I kinda do that anyway, so I guess I can't blame Sam or the snakes.) I can assure you, however, that when faced with a real snake, my demeanor is not quite so icy cool.

Nooooo, I am not a fan of real snakes. Our former home in rural Georgia had a rather picturesque pond and stream on the property. And while that looked pretty, it also meant we had snakes. Lots of snakes. Nasty snakes. Lots of nasty snakes. Both water moccasins and copperheads were plentiful. You couldn't escape to higher ground either, as there were rattlesnakes in the fields and woods. Once we found a snake swimming in our pool (which was already kinda gross after being left untreated and covered with a winter tarp for several months). And because I am a giver, I have posted below a picture of the actual beastie:



Would it shock you to learn that I pretty much hated going outdoors? And yes, I know they are supposedly more afraid of me than I am of them, blah, blah, blaaaaahhh. Yeah, right. Listen, I've watched enough bad snake movies to know -- know, I tell you! -- that lurking somewhere in the murky depths of our peaceful little stream, there was a giant fifty foot...no, eighty foot...no, hundred foot long snake, just waiting to kill me and swallow me like a Tater Tot. (C'mon, think of all the candy I consume. If you are what you eat, then I am filled with sugary goodness, and what snake could resist that?)

Anyway, getting back to the review...



The Snake Bitez snakes come in two flavors. The blue and white one is called "Biting Blue Raspberry" and the green and orange one is called "Apple Assault." In both cases the snakes are well molded, and there is a surprising amount of detail in them. They actually have little eyes and scales.

As for the texture: it is the same regardless of the flavor. The snakes themselves are about two inches around. That may not sound like much in the scheme of things, but it makes for a pretty thick slab of gummy. Through the thin cellophane wrapping you can feel that the gummy is soft and pliable. Actually biting into the gummy, it is much chewier then you would expect from touching it. In fact it's downright tough to chew.

So how did they taste?

We'll start with the Biting Blue Raspberry:



This is a pretty bright Windex blue and opaque white snake (the bottoms of both snakes are a bright yellow). It smells like a blue Squishy.




The flavor is bitter -- more, I think, from the dye used than any other reason. In terms of the raspberry, it tastes stale and musty. It's like they used the flavor from the world's oldest Squishy -- and even that doesn't clearly describe the awfulness. It's not like I was expecting fresh picked raspberry, but there are far better examples of good fake raspberry flavor out there. This one was just nasty.

Oh, and the aftertaste lingers. And lingers. And lingers...

Now, on to the Apple Assault:



This snake has alternating bands of green and orange (and yes, the yellow bottom). It doesn't have any scent to it.



This snake is also more bitter (though less so than the Biting Blue Raspberry) than there seems to be reason for -- but the flavor is much, much better. While this is clearly an artificial apple flavor, is it a good one. It's sweet and juicy -- kinda like every other green apple flavored candy you have ever had. If not for the same bitter notes that plagued the other snake, this would actually be a damn good gummy.

So, where do these rate on the scale? (Scales...get it? I am SOOOOOOOOO funny, she hissed to herself...oh my gawd, did I actually say hissed? I am so hilarious I slay myself...oooooooooh ha ha ha hee hee hurf hurf hyuk...)

The Biting Blue Raspberry:



The Apple Assault:



PURCHASED FROM:
Blockbuster Video

PRICE:
$2.99 (per snake)

CALORIES:
170 calories per 1/4 snake (or 50 grams)

ADDITIONAL INFO:
Contains pork and/or beef based gelatin, so not kosher and not vegetarian.

OFFICIAL WEBSITE:
candyasap.com