Trader Joe's Tarte d'Champignon

The full name of this product is "Trader Joe's Tarte d'Champignon -- A French Style Flat Bread with Mushrooms, Emmental & Parmesan Cheese." In plain English, the name of this product is mushroom pizza.

But, like everyone else, I have my days where I just want to be a little "bougie," and damned if Tarte d'Champignon doesn't sound classier than pizza. Ya know what? While I am fantasizing, I would also like to pretend that said Tarte was not only made especially for me, but fed to me by hand by Anthony Bourdain -- you know, back in the days when he was a bad ass. Not the domesticated, weenified Anthony Bourdain who subjected the world to this:



That's one version of Tony I do not wish to play doctor with!

Anyway, back to the review...



This Tarte d'Champignon is a thin puff pastry crust that is topped with a mixture of crème fraîche (if you're unfamiliar, think of the best sour cream ever -- only thicker and less sour -- and you would have crème fraîche) and Emmental cheese (sometimes also referred to as Swiss cheese in the U.S.) "sauce" (it's more of a spread). The topping has five different types of mushrooms, which include porcini, Paris, oyster, shiitake, and boletus, and then the whole thing gets a light sprinkling of Parmesan cheese and parsley.



I officially don't care what they call it, because it was so good it almost takes the sting away from seeing what my once-beloved Tony Bourdain has been reduced to.

They don't recommend that you microwave this item, and I think you'd be crazy if you did. Just follow the simple baking directions and you'll be fine. The puff pastry crust is super-thin and the outer edges crisped perfectly. The bottom, sadly, stayed a little too soft -- but I have a feeling that was more the fault of my baking sheet and/or my oven than of the product itself. (Incidentally, it stuck to the sheet in several places, and was extremely difficult to remove without reducing it to a mess of gooey shreds. So even though the box doesn't mention it, you really might want to grease your baking sheet beforehand.)



The cheese "sauce": again, it's more of what I would consider a spread than a true sauce. The consistency is somewhat similar to whipped cream cheese. It's really savory. I love the tangy zip that the cheese brings. The easiest way to describe it is to tell you to think of a good, strong Swiss cheese.

The mushrooms: They are a little more sparse than I would have liked, but they are meaty and moist without being soggy or rubbery. I won't lie -- outside of the porcini and the shiitake, I couldn't tell you which 'shroom was which, but they all tasted pretty darn good.

This was just outstanding. Snark aside, it is waaaa-a-a-a-ay more special than a mere mushroom pizza. I really can't say enough nice things about it. Everything about it is delicious.

Definitely one of Trader Joe's best frozen options. Actually, one of the best frozen foods you'll find anywhere.



PURCHASED FROM:
Trader Joe's

PRICE:
$3.99

CALORIES:
300 calories per half tarte

ADDITIONAL INFO:
Made on equipment shared with eggs, fish, and shellfish.

Tony's Crispy Crust Party Time Cheese Pizza

My love for cheap and generally questionable quality frozen pizza is pretty well documented...

With that said, let me begin by saying that if I had a party and served this pizza to my friends, they would no longer be my friends.



Let's start with the crust. I am not sure where Tony is from, but he is apparently in his own little world. Doughy and chewy translates into "crispy." (Perhaps this is the same land where Tall means small and Grande means medium and people actually care that Paula Abdul is not returning to American Idol). The shape is also something Tony evidently made up after a night of heavy drinking. "Scround?" What the hell is "scround?" It's not really square, it's not really round, and it's not really good.



As for the sauce...

Well, let's be fair; the sauce on these cheap frozen things is never really good. But even with that disclaimer, this sauce is dreadful. It doesn't resemble any sort of pizza sauce from this planet. It's like cheap, store-brand ketchup that was mixed heavily with sugar. Only less good.

I don't even want to discuss the "cheese." I have had enough trauma for one day.

Just spend the extra 10 cents and get something, anything else. This was truly horrible.



PURCHASED FROM:
Albertsons Supermarket

Stouffers French Bread Pizza- Pepperoni

I think we all know I have a somewhat unnatural love of frozen pizza
One of my first loves was and still is Stouffer's French Bread pizza.

I just love the thick chewy bread. The sauce is just a little sweet and you can almost taste the oregano. It's funny, while I hate this sauce on pasta I like it on the pizza. The cheese is stringy and zesty. And perhaps the best part- the pepperoni actually looks and tastes like real pepperoni! (seriously, what is it with scary frozen pizza pepperoni?)

I think this will always be my bench mark for frozen french bread pizza.

PURCHASED FROM:
Albertsons Supermarket

Lean Cuisine 4 Cheese Pizza

MMMMMM Low cal pizza!
For a lower calorie pizza option this really isn't bad.
The package blurb:


Pizzeria-style pizza with a crispy crust from the microwave,topped with mozzarella,Asiago,Parmesan and Romano cheeses over a zesty tomato sauce.

Fat - 8g
Calories - 360
Vitamin A - 10%DV
Calcium - 30%DV
Vitamin C - 6%DV
Dietary Fiber - 8%DV
Weight Watchers® Points® 8

The portion size is that of any standard issue personal pizza. While there are four cheeses the pizza doesn't look of taste like it's drowning in cheese. I liked the addition of asiago. It's under used if you ask me (and since your reading this review I assume you would). What I didn't like is the Parmesan

The sauce is indeed zesty. Oregano is what comes to mind- as in a lot of it was used. It's a bit strong- which I like. And it keeps the sauce from tasting too sweet.

The crust, while it does get crispy even in the microwave, it is bland.
If your a crust fan you will probably be left disappointed.

Again as a low cal option even with the bland crust it's a tasty option. Would it be my first choice?- not likely. But all in all it's not bad.


PURCHASED FROM:
Kroger (Ralph's depending on your location)

Totino's Party Pizza- Pepperoni

I am so embarrassed to admit this...

But the Totino's Pizza has long been one of my guilty pleasure. The Pepperoni speciffically.

When you get down to it there is really very little redeeming qualities to the pizza-
There is next to no cheese- and I suspect it is more like "cheeze" then real cheese. The sauce is too sweet, the pepperoni is questionable on every possible level and the crust is a glorified cracker. Oh and to make it all worse when I make them I microwave them which even the Totino's box it's self will tell you is a bad idea.

Even if with all that working against it. Even with my horrible choice of cooking method there is just something devilishly addictive about them. the fake cheese, the sauce the "puperoni" (I try not to think about it) I defy you to find a better late night meal for $1.00 or less.

No, this is not the best frozen pizza out there. No, you will not impress anyone if you admit to eating them. No DAMN they are just great in that so-bad-it's-good way.