Trader Joe's Manitaropita

Dear People of Greece: Thank you so much for continuing to create delicious dishes that consist of phyllo dough filled with amazingly good stuff.

I was kind of surprised when I realized that I hadn't reviewed these yet. I have loved the Trader Joe's manitaropita for years, and they are one of my TJ's staples, but somehow they flew under the review radar until now. And we all know how much I like appetizers or finger foods as dinner, so I figured it was high time I wrote about this.



The easiest way to explain what manitaropita is might be to tell you to think of spanakopita...except rather than the puff pastry being filled with spinach and feta cheese, it's filled with mushrooms in a white wine sauce.

Trader Joe's manitaropita needs to be baked in the oven. The package specifically says not to microwave them -- and having done that out of laziness once, I can tell you that the package's admonition is a wise one.



No worries, though, because baking them is as simple as it sounds. Just pre-heat the oven and then toss them in. They only take about 10 minutes to bake. The phyllo dough (and really, does it take much more then phyllo dough to make something good?) rises to golden, flaky happiness. The many paper-thin layers add a nice crunch and interesting texture.



Trader Joe is generous with the mushroom filling -- which is a good thing, as the filling is excellent. The mushrooms are remarkably non-rubbery and have a rich, almost beefy taste.

The mushrooms are done in a white wine sauce. The sauce itself actually has a delicate, lightly herbed taste. If I had to pick out a single spice that stands out, I would have to say it's oregano. Just think of it! Mushrooms, white wine, oregano...all stewed together and encased in flaky phyllo...if the very notion doesn't bring a smile to your face, don't complain to me: complain to a doctor!

This is truly one of my favorite Trader Joe's products. It's satisfying as a meal on its own, and I would also be very pleased to serve them to company as an appetizer.



PURCHASED FROM:
Trader Joe's

PRICE:
$3.99

CALORIES:
80 calories per piece.

ADDITIONAL INFO:
Made on equipment shared with eggs and tree nuts, at a facility that processes peanuts, fish and shellfish.

OFFICIAL WEBSITE:
traderjoes.com

Trader Joe's Fiberful Bar: Fruit & Veggie

As you've no doubt noticed if you're a regular reader, I have been on a bit of a hiatus from reviews as of late.

It's not that I don't love you guys. It's not that I have burned out. And it's certainly not for lack of items to review. It is because due to some new medications I have to take, my taste buds haven't been up to snuff lately.

Oh, I can still taste. But the more subtle flavor notes are currently lost on me, and some things just have weird metallic notes to them -- and I know it's not the food, it's me. So with that in mind, I have felt that it would not be fair to review much, since I could risk giving a good product a bad review -- or, maybe worse, recommending something that is less than good.

But standing in line at Trader Joe's this afternoon, I noticed a new product that I thought might actually benefit from my lack of fully functional taste buds. I am quite the fan of TJ's dried fruit bars, and when I saw a new green and blue label I got quite excited. Well, it turns out this bar is indeed new, and it is a combination fruit and veggie bar. Sort of a chewable Green Machine.



The bar has carrots, apples, pumpkin, beets, broccoli, celery, and lots of fiber. And, in a very uncharacteristic turn of events, the Trader Joe's cashier gave the bar the old side-eye and implied that I was being rather brave for buying it. I will grant you that I like all of those ingredients -- yes, I even like beets -- it's just that I am not sure I like the thought of them all together at once. And honestly, maybe, just maybe, the lack of nuanced tasting ability might be to my advantage here.

In appearance, the bar is typical TJ's fruit leather. It's a long and decently thick slab. It's a neutral brownish color and smells vaguely like apples.

Taste wise? The strongest single taste seemed to be the celery. There is a sweetness, too -- kind of like apples, but mostly it as if like someone took vegetable stock and made leather out of it. I will grant you that is probably not the most appealing description, but I found it oddly tasty. I kept hoping it would be a little saltier -- again, so it would be more like a solid, chewy vegetable soup.



I can't say I will probably ever start buying these en masse, but there was something about it that was just so bad it was actually good.

I am not comfortable putting a rating number on this because of my current taste bud situation, so take my words with a grain of salt when trying it yourself. I might be missing out on the best or worst parts of the flavor. (Chris tried a piece, and he was -- to put it kindly -- not impressed.)

PURCHASED FROM:
Trader Joe's

PRICE:
$.89

CALORIES:
70 calories per bar.

OFFICIAL WEBSITE:
traderjoes.com

Trader Joe's Chocolate Lava Cake

Chocolate lava cake -- or molten chocolate cake, as it is also known -- actually has something of an interesting background. I think most of us think of it as something that, somewhere back in the mid-nineties, chain restaurants decided that they really liked, and pushed it upon us en masse. However, long before TGIMcFunster's started giving it dumb names and forcing overworked and underpaid servers to up-sell it to us, both Jean-Georges Vongerichten and Jacques Torres were already fighting over who had invented it. And for all I know, they are still going at it like chocolate saber wielding Jedi.

Regardless of who started it, I have the Trader Joe's version in front of me. According to the wordsmiths who write TJ's copy, the dessert is "a delicate chocolate cake with a creamy chocolate center." Thanks, guys, I couldn't have guessed that...

There are two small (a little under four ounces each) cakes in the package. You can microwave them, but -- as things like these are always better when baked -- I chose not to. As per the instructions, I baked them in the oven for roughly 17 minutes, and by then my house smelled as if I'd been toiling away at the stove for hours making a chocolate cake from scratch. I love getting that smell and not dealing with the mountain of dishes that otherwise result.



The cake itself is sort of no frills. In fact, it looks pretty much like a chocolate hockey puck. The outer surface looks remarkably like that of an ordinary brownie.



The outer cake also tastes pretty much like a standard brownie. The strongest flavor is the semi-liquid center. It's sort of pudding textured, and tastes like dark chocolate and strong coffee.



Overall, this is very rich and and intensely chocolaty. If you were going to serve it to guests, you might want to pretty it up with some whipped cream or sauce. But for a frozen, fast baked dessert it was really good. As stated though, it is extremely rich. You could easily share a single cake, as small as it is, and be completely satisfied.

I'll definitely buy these again.



PURCHASED FROM:
Trader Joe's

PRICE:
$3.49

CALORIES:
360 per cake.

ADDITIONAL INFO:
Made on shared equipment with tree nuts.

OFFICIAL WEBSITE:
traderjoes.com

Trader Joe's Organic Milk Chocolate Covered Mini Peanut Butter Crackers

Waaaay back in the day (I am talking about when dinosaurs roamed the Earth), my parents had a large business. And in their office, they had what the adult me realizes was a really kick ass break room. To eight-year-old me, the highlight of going to work with them was the fact that said break room was equipped with a candy machine. Yeah, I realize parental bonding maybe should have been higher on the list, but let's be honest: it was all about the candy.

Inside said machine were packages of peanut butter crackers. Some of them were the bright orange "cheese" style crackers, and some of them were the butter cracker style. I loved them regardless (although I did prefer the "cheese"). I still like peanut butter crackers in my old age. And when I saw this chocolate covered version at Trader Joe's, I had to try them.



Not only are they chocolate covered, they are also organic -- so if it makes you feel better about eating something sweet, well there you go.

Each little cracker is roughly the size of a U.S. quarter. The sandwich style cracker is enrobed in a surprisingly thick layer of chocolate. The cracker itself reminds me more of a saltine than the butter cracker I was expecting, but I actually liked that. I probably would have liked the butter cracker more, but this way the cracker adds crunch without its flavor competing with the chocolate or the peanut butter.



The chocolate itself is decent. It's very smooth and creamy and cool on the tongue. In terms of flavor, it's not bad. It could be better, tough -- it's a little too sweet, and tastes more like milk that is flavored with chocolate than actual milk chocolate. I wouldn't eat an entire bar of this chocolate, but it works well enough with the snack as a whole.



The peanut butter is just sort of sad. It's super smooth -- which is good, but it's really bland. It's a little too sweet (notice a theme?), it's not really salty, and there is no sense of the nuts ever having been roasted. It's more like the idea of peanut butter rather than real peanut butter, if that makes any sense.

It's not that these are a bad snack. If anything they are just sort of "meh." I wouldn't go out of my way to avoid them. But nor would I be excited to have some offered to me, or to see them on sale (as this container was).



PURCHASED FROM:
Trader Joe's

PRICE:
$0.99

CALORIES:
230 calories per 9 pieces.

ADDITIONAL INFO:
Contains peanuts. Made on equipment shared with eggs and tree nuts.

OFFICIAL WEBSITE:
traderjoes.com

Trader Joe's Chile Relleno

One of the better things about living in Southern California is the fact that, at any given time, good -- and sometimes great -- Mexican food is plentiful, cheap, and often located within minutes of wherever you may happen to be. And yes, if the jones is strong enough, I will happily brave the sometimes close to an hour wait for a fix of one of my favorites: King Taco.

Because of that, it is seldom that I look for frozen or ready-made Mexican items. But we all know I am a sucker for trying things in the name of "well, I could try it for a review." Yeah, that phrase comes up a minimum of once a day.

Tonight's trip to Trader Joe's was no exception. I already had dinner planned. But sitting seductively in the frozen food bin were boxed, frozen chile rellenos...

Hmmm...well, if it's for a review....



If you have never had a chile relleno, it is a poblano pepper that has been grilled and then stuffed with a variety of fillings, be it cheese, meat, etc. Then the pepper is dipped in an simple batter and fried until golden brown. It's occasionally served bare, but almost always it's topped with either red or green salsa (I like both, but am partial to green). I've noticed that in restaurants here in SoCal, and in the southwestern U.S. generally, the stuffing is almost always simply cheese or a cheese blend. But when I was living in Georgia, the restaurant version was nearly always stuffed with meat; whereas the cheese version I prefer was referred to on the menu as a "chile poblano." I don't know why that is -- but if you are in the Deep South and you want one with cheese rather than meat, be sure to read that menu (unlike me, who ordered blindly and got surprised).

The Trader Joe's version is covered in a red salsa and sprinkled with a little bit of cheese. It was also free of the batter that I would otherwise be expecting. Considering that the battered versions are fried and this one is to be baked (or microwaved), that was probably a smart move.



The poblano pepper itself tasted fresh and had a nice "grilled" flavor to it. Not spicy hot in the least -- but poblanos are not hot as a rule. It was perhaps a little crunchier than what I am used to, but not so much that it bothered me.

The cheese is plentiful. It's stringy. It's also dense in parts. There's not really much flavor to it; more kinda salty than anything else. It reminded me of the cheese in Trader Joe's Paneer Tikka Masala, only not so solid.

The salsa topping was excellent. It has a very fresh, zesty tomato taste. There's a little cilantro and onion.

Is this chile relleno as good as one that I could get just by walking down the street? Obviously not...but for a frozen version, this is quite tasty.



PURCHASED FROM:
Trader Joe's

PRICE:
$2.49

CALORIES:
350 calories per serving.

ADDITIONAL INFO:
Labeled as vegetarian.

OFFICIAL WEBSITE:
traderjoes.com

Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Pretzel Bark

On my last Trader Joe's trip, I was looking for new goodies. One of the things I was actually looking for were the chocolate covered, peanut butter filled pretzels that reader Jacob and had I talked about a few months ago. Sadly, I did not find them -- but I did come across this rather large, flat bar of dark chocolate pretzel bark. Now really, could anyone imagine that I was going to let this pass without a review? Don't be silly!



The bar is well packaged in a sunny yellow box with cellophane windows. According to the text on back of the box, the bar was handcrafted by "true candy artisans." Well, I don't know who these true candy artisans are...but in my mind they wear silly hats and brightly colored clothes and make the chocolate while singing along to Michael Buble. Of course, my imagination is sort of like Tim Burton meets Crazy Cat Lady.

When you remove the bar from the package, you notice it's not quite as thick as the box may have led you to expect. But I don't think a good bark should be overly thick. And the slab is jam packed with pieces of broken up pretzel sticks.



The chocolate looks very dark (though the box merely says that it's a minimum of 49% cocoa solids). The smell of the bar is sweet for something that looks so dark, but there is a yeasty smell to it as well.

So how does it taste?

If a Michael Buble song were somehow magically edible, it's as smooth as that. The chocolate is on the milky side (and does in fact contain milk fat). It's more sweet than bitter, but that actually works to the bark's advantage. I think if it had been a stronger, darker chocolate, it wouldn't work with the salt as well.



The pretzels....oh my gawd! The pretzels! They are so crunchy it's as if they came straight out of a fresh bag. They are lightly salted. It appears that they may actually be baked a little more then your average pretzel stick -- but I think that may be to keep the flavor assertive.



What more can I say? Everything about this bar rocks. A long time ago I reviewed Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Covered Pretzel Bites and loved them. Well, I love this even more. It's so good that even if you don't live near a Trader Joe's, you should find one and do a road trip. (And you could use the drive time to crank the Buble. See, it all works out.)

Just get some, and then write me love letters thanking me.



PURCHASED FROM:
Trader Joe's

PRICE:
$3.99

CALORIES:
200 calories per 1.5 oz (or each 2 x 4.5 inch piece).

ADDITIONAL INFO:
Kosher. Contains dairy. Made on equipment shared with eggs, peanuts, tree nuts and fish.

OFFICIAL WEBSITE:
traderjoes.com

Trader Joe's Tarte d'Champignon

The full name of this product is "Trader Joe's Tarte d'Champignon -- A French Style Flat Bread with Mushrooms, Emmental & Parmesan Cheese." In plain English, the name of this product is mushroom pizza.

But, like everyone else, I have my days where I just want to be a little "bougie," and damned if Tarte d'Champignon doesn't sound classier than pizza. Ya know what? While I am fantasizing, I would also like to pretend that said Tarte was not only made especially for me, but fed to me by hand by Anthony Bourdain -- you know, back in the days when he was a bad ass. Not the domesticated, weenified Anthony Bourdain who subjected the world to this:



That's one version of Tony I do not wish to play doctor with!

Anyway, back to the review...



This Tarte d'Champignon is a thin puff pastry crust that is topped with a mixture of crème fraîche (if you're unfamiliar, think of the best sour cream ever -- only thicker and less sour -- and you would have crème fraîche) and Emmental cheese (sometimes also referred to as Swiss cheese in the U.S.) "sauce" (it's more of a spread). The topping has five different types of mushrooms, which include porcini, Paris, oyster, shiitake, and boletus, and then the whole thing gets a light sprinkling of Parmesan cheese and parsley.



I officially don't care what they call it, because it was so good it almost takes the sting away from seeing what my once-beloved Tony Bourdain has been reduced to.

They don't recommend that you microwave this item, and I think you'd be crazy if you did. Just follow the simple baking directions and you'll be fine. The puff pastry crust is super-thin and the outer edges crisped perfectly. The bottom, sadly, stayed a little too soft -- but I have a feeling that was more the fault of my baking sheet and/or my oven than of the product itself. (Incidentally, it stuck to the sheet in several places, and was extremely difficult to remove without reducing it to a mess of gooey shreds. So even though the box doesn't mention it, you really might want to grease your baking sheet beforehand.)



The cheese "sauce": again, it's more of what I would consider a spread than a true sauce. The consistency is somewhat similar to whipped cream cheese. It's really savory. I love the tangy zip that the cheese brings. The easiest way to describe it is to tell you to think of a good, strong Swiss cheese.

The mushrooms: They are a little more sparse than I would have liked, but they are meaty and moist without being soggy or rubbery. I won't lie -- outside of the porcini and the shiitake, I couldn't tell you which 'shroom was which, but they all tasted pretty darn good.

This was just outstanding. Snark aside, it is waaaa-a-a-a-ay more special than a mere mushroom pizza. I really can't say enough nice things about it. Everything about it is delicious.

Definitely one of Trader Joe's best frozen options. Actually, one of the best frozen foods you'll find anywhere.



PURCHASED FROM:
Trader Joe's

PRICE:
$3.99

CALORIES:
300 calories per half tarte

ADDITIONAL INFO:
Made on equipment shared with eggs, fish, and shellfish.

Trader Joe's Apple Blossoms

I haven't tried a Trader Joe's dessert in a while, and I love anything similar to apple pie. Apple blossoms -- sometimes called apple purses -- seem to have become all the rage last year at places like Starbucks and certain chain restaurants (TGI McFunsters, anyone?) and I have been known to order them.

Trader Joe's Apple Blossom is a pie dough pastry pouch stuffed with apple filling and topped with cinnamon crumble. They can be microwaved or baked. I opted to bake.

Each little blossom is slightly smaller in diameter than your average coffee mug. The dough has a glossy sheen, and the cinnamon glaze melted into a gooey lake while baking. The dough is good -- soft, and just a little crusty. You won't mistake it for homemade, but it is damned good for frozen.



The apple filling is generous -- it's not bursting out of the crust, but there is not exactly extra room for more. The apples are perfectly cooked, but still have a little tooth to them. It is a sweet filling, and the cinnamon, while not enough to really heat things up, adds just the right amount of spice.



This is one of the best frozen baked desserts out there. As stated, I don't think you could pass them off as home made, but they're so good I doubt anyone would care.



PURCHASED FROM:
Trader Joe's

Trader Joe's Arancini Bites

I love it when Trader Joe's adds new products to their lineup. I was browsing the appetizer section in frozen foods (yes, I like to eat many of TJ's appetizers as a dinner), and these little cheese-filled rice balls jumped out at me.

Lest you think Trader Joe's is making up words just for fun: according to the all knowing Wikipedia entry, arancini are breadcrumb-coated, fried (or rarely, baked) rice balls. See, learned something new, didn't ya? I know that rice balls aren't exactly an exotic addition to one's diet, but they are not a huge part of mine. Believe it or not, the first, last, and only other time I remember eating rice balls was at Matt's Grill in New York City -- and then they were incredibly addicting. But, as I live roughly 3,000 miles from there, it's not like I can just run out for a plate.



Trader Joe's version looked promising coming out of the oven. (They should not be microwaved.) Each rice ball is roughly the size of a Swedish meatball. The light breading browned nicely -- and having cut into one for Food Porn's sake, the cheese oozed seductively enough. But does it taste good?

At first I thought that perhaps I had undercooked them, so I put them back in the oven for an extra five minutes.

No, it was not my cooking, nor was it my oven.



Since the balls were so nicely browned, I was expecting something of a crispy shell. But what I got felt undercooked to the point of being almost raw grains of rice.


Beyond the crunchy rice, the strongest flavor in the ball seems to be onion. The ingredients do indeed include green onion. But the onion effect reminded me of undercooked frozen onion rings (you know, the ones you buy at the grocery store in plastic bags). The fontina cheese was mild and just a little salty. When the balls were still warm, the cheese did that great stringing effect when being bitten into.

Love Trader Joe's as I do, I did not love these rice balls. The texture was weird, the onion tasted like raw processed onion-type product. The overall effect was really quite nasty. I did like the cheese -- not enough that I would want to teabag another set, mind you, but I did like the cheese.

But in the end the cheese alone is nowhere near sufficient to redeem these. An interesting experiment, but one that failed completely in practice. I will certainly not buy them again.



PURCHASED FROM:
Trader Joe's

Trader Joe's Brandy Beans

You may have noticed that I review a lot of liqueur flavored items. That is because I like various spirits, and I really like items flavored with booze. I blame my parents.

As living proof that the Seventies were a very different place to be both a parent and a toddler, let me reveal a tidbit of Gigi family history:

The house I lived in back in Boston was a typical three story house for the area. The bottom floor had living quarters for my grandmothers as well as family room. One corner of said family room was taken up by the same leather-padded bar that every other goombah house in the neighborhood was equipped with, and which looked like Sopranos fan's wet dream. (Everyone in our neighborhood was a goombah. Everyone. Even those who weren't Italian.) Neither of my parents were or are really drinkers -- but again, in that time and place, it seemed everyone had a similar set-up. My parents' bar was stocked mostly with those little "nip" bottles that you get on airlines or on the counter of package/liquor stores. And apparently they had quite a collection going.

One autumn, they noticed that these tiny bottles were being drained of their contents...but whoever was doing it wasn't bothering to throw the bottles away, nor even to finish them. Since they knew they weren't the ones doing the drinking, they immediately assumed that it was my grandmother; who was known to like her glass of wine before bed. They told her that they didn't mind her drinking whatever she wanted, but asked that she at least get rid of the bottles afterward. She denied having anything to do with it. And after this went on for a few months, they started to wonder if she didn't have a drinking problem...but they never caught her in the act, so what could they say?

One night they were watching television (old school TV -- no cable! -- analog! -- with only 3 three channels! Can you imagine?!) and they heard the clinking of bottles behind the bar. They thought this odd because they had not seen my grandmother go by, and my other grandmother was long asleep. I was tucked in upstairs. They thought it might have been the cat...but when the noise continued, they were forced to get up and look. And there behind the bar they found three-year-old me pounding shots. Somehow I had managed to not only get down two flights of stairs, but I got those damn little bottles open -- a feat the much older me today has a hard time doing. My grandmother got to let out a big "I told you so!" and I was labeled a booze hound for life.

Yeah, like I said, the Seventies were a much different place...



Fast-forward about 30 years, and that leaves grown-up me sitting here with a box full of boozy chocolates from Trader Joe's. The box even bears the following warning: Sale of this product to persons under the legal age for purchasing alcoholic beverages is unlawful. It further adds that the beans have a maximum alcohol content of 5.2% by weight. Well, that had my tail wagging like Brian Griffin.



Each little bean is nicely molded into a little glossy crescent of semi-sweet chocolate happiness. When you bite into the bean, the liquid center starts to ooze out. I can understand why they aren't sold to kids! There is certainly a kick. But if you are expecting fine brandy, well...yeah. Right.

Yes, it does have the warm burn alcohol brings, but none of the actual flavor. The most redeeming factor the brandy filling brings to the table is the fact that, if you ate enough of them (and I have a feeling "enough" would be at least the entire box), you might, just possibly, get a minor buzz. Well, the same thing can be said about liquid NyQuil -- and I don't want to eat that enrobed in chocolate, either.



The chocolate: It's waxy, it's kinda gritty, and the bottom of the bean is surprisingly thick. It's a semi-sweet. Not light and sweet enough to be milk, yet not dark and brooding enough to be...well...dark. It's somewhere in the middle, and it's a pretty mediocre middle. And the lingering aftertaste could best be called "stale Raisinet." Yeah.

Trader Joe's so seldom lets me down that I am somewhat surprised that these were as "bleeh" as they are. Don't get me wrong, they aren't the worst candy out there. They won't make you die or anything...in fact, they won't even make you want to die. But they will make you wonder why the hell you wasted your money on them.



PURCHASED FROM:
Trader Joe's

Trader Joe's Latkes

Tonight is the first night of Hanukkah and I thought it fitting that we have a review of a traditional holiday food. (At the absolute last minute, I thought it would have been fun to do "Eight Crazy Reviews" of Jewish foodstuffs. But, since it was indeed the last minute, I couldn't source enough items that I thought would be interesting. So next year, guys, I promise I will start earlier and we will do a Hanukkah week. Until then, we have Trader Joe's latkes to hold us over.)

For my non-Jewish friends who may not be familiar, latkes are a type of fried potato pancake that often also includes grated onion. They are often topped with apple sauce or sour cream. And while I am sure there are some who won't appreciate this comment, I will stand by it: in a nutshell, they are basically like the best hash browns ever.

I have never made them from scratch myself, though I have "helped" to make them (and for the record, that version was pretty much like the worst hash browns ever). But it doesn't seem like Hanukkah without them.

So how does Trader Joe's stack up?

According to the box, these latkes can be either fried or oven baked. Since I had no desire to deal with the mess of frying, I oven baked mine.



Each latke is about the size of a silver dollar pancake. They browned up nicely in the oven. The texture is sort of like mashed potatoes that have been fried and had bits of hash browns added to them. I know that might sound weird, but it's actually pretty good.



You can taste the onions, but you can't see them. This is a good thing for me, as I like the taste of onions but not actual onions themselves. (Yes, I am a freak). The potato, again, is kind of in a weird middle ground between mashed and hash browns, but it works. The crusting adds some crunch, which I happen to love. It's a little salty, but I think good latkes need salt.



Unfortunately, when I picked these up, I didn't think far enough ahead to get either sour cream or apple sauce, but I am sure either would have been a nice touch. Yes, I could name several places in New York where the latkes are better -- but I am not in New York (sadly), and for a frozen option these are pretty tasty.

So I can have these for seven more nights in a row, right?




PURCHASED FROM:
Trader Joe's