Taco Bell: Classic Margarita Frutista Freeze

Yes folks, we may have hit a new low as a society. Did you know that they are now serving faux-Margaritas at Taco Bell?

Let's all be brutally honest. For the most part, there are really only two reasons that people eat at Taco Bell:

1. You are poor, and you can get an absurd amount of food on the cheap.

-AND-

2. You are really stoned or drunk (or both) and it just sounds like a really good idea. (And there are always the times when you are simultaneously poor, stoned, and/or drunk...and again, damned if Taco Bell just doesn't sound good).

I admit it: the only times I eat there are when I am either too poor to afford anything else, or I am drunk and it sounds good (someone else drives, I assure you).

It stands to reason that if you are eating there because it's so cheap, you probably cannot afford to buy the ingredients to mix a real margarita for yourself, nor to go to the bar for one. And why should a little thing like money keep you from the limey goodness of a margarita? Well, once again, Taco Bell has your back. Yes, I realize that there may be adults out there that just want the flavor without the alcohol. But jokes aside, I have a feeling that these drinks will appeal more to 14-year-old girls who order them because it makes them feel sophisticated.

Cost issues notwithstanding, I have to admit that my inner mixologist -- the snooty side of me who is a cocktail snob, and thinks that cocktails or even mocktails should only be made with freshly squeezed juices from actual fruit and not little plastic fruit shaped bottles -- is somewhat horrified at this whole concept. Oh, how I would love to be Audrey Saunders when I grow up...

However, the actual working bartender in me is nudging the mixologist part of me aside with the pointy swizzle stick of reality. Do you love any of the myriad flavored margaritas that are so popular with aging suburban women who like to fancy themselves part of a Sex and The City-style ensemble of friends? (I call those drinks Momgaritas, BTW.) If so, the fact is that you are 99% assured of drinking something that relies heavily on batches of flavored base. Those bases may taste like fruit juices, but they usually aren't. And in the case of virgin margaritas, unless the bar cuts the drink with a bit of lemonade or soda (which I am firmly against), all you are getting is a pre-made sour mix either frozen or over ice. Some places even use the same brands you can buy in the supermarket. So unless your neighborhood bar is owned and operated by dedicated cocktail purists, this prefab stuff is what you're going to get. And as far as the chains go...well, let's put it this way: Your local TGI McFunster's ain't run by cocktail purists. Period. None of the chains ever are.

Anyway...my point to all of this is that even for Taco Bell, it should be pretty hard to screw up a virgin margarita.



So, will I be wasting the day away in Tacobellritaville, sucking down faux-ritas while regretting the three gorditas I probably ate alongside? Erm...probably not.

First off, the color is weird. It's a rather bizarre shade of peachy-green. I could have understood dirty ice, or plain green, or even yellowish green. But peachy? The hell...?

And then there's the flavor. It's like the industrial chemical love child of a lime Otter Pop and floor cleaner. There is nothing remotely margaritalike about it except that it's (unpleasantly) lime flavored. Need I remind you again how hard to is to screw up a virgin margarita? You literally could go to the store, buy the cheapest bottle of sour mix, toss it over some ice in a glass rimmed with table salt, and it would still taste more like a "real" margarita than this did.



Hell, even as a limeade it never really gets past "meh" level.

Is it the worst thing on the Taco Bell menu? No, but it's not good either. Taco Bell also offers a Strawberry Margarita -- and the only difference is that the strawberry version features the strawberry puree-type topping they use on all of the strawberry Frutistas. I skipped it.

I should have skipped this, too.



PURCHASED FROM:
Taco Bell

PRICE:
$1.99

CALORIES:
454 Calories for 16 ounces.

ADDITIONAL INFO:
Does not contain alcohol or fruit juice.

OFFICIAL WEBSITE:
tacobell.com

Taco Bell: Pacific Shrimp Taco

OK, every now and then a product comes along that there is just no way in hell I am going to skip reviewing. This is one of those products.

There's just something about the trio of words -- Taco, Bell, and Shrimp -- that seems like it doesn't really belong of this world. Now, don't get me wrong. For all the bagging I do on Taco Bell, I actually do like some of their food. And I do in fact eat there once every couple of months or so. (I try not to eat too much fast food in general.) It's just that there seems to be a line in the sand that Taco Bell should maybe not cross.



I love shrimp tacos, and I am lucky enough to live in an area where getting good fish or shrimp tacos is not difficult. Heck, I can literally walk across the street from my apartment and get one that's fairly decent. So with that in mind, why would I even give Taco Bell a shot?

Do you guys even have to ask me that question?

Each taco consists of a soft flour tortilla, lettuce, Fiesta Salsa (Taco Bell's version of pico de gallo), avocado ranch sauce, and six shrimp that have been marinated in "spices" (Wow! That's descriptive!) and then cooked by...well, I don't know how they're cooked, because the Taco Bell website doesn't say and the Taco Bell employee looked at me like I was nuts when I asked.



Of course I go into this knowing that the shrimp are frozen. And I have no problem with that. Let's be realistic: unless you're lucky enough to live someplace where shrimp are harvested locally -- for example, the coastal regions of Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, etc. -- the truth is that pretty much all the shrimp we eat are frozen. I understand that and I accept it.

Sadly, the shrimp in my taco were quite rubbery. Fairly sized (slightly bigger than a quarter), but rubbery. The spice blend seems to be mostly black pepper, onion, and garlic powders. If you've ever made a generic boxed Spanish-style rice, it's sort of like that...edible, perhaps even decent, though you'd never see it in a good paella.



My taco had very little of the avocado ranch sauce. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. It just tasted like generic ranch dressing to me. The "Fiesta Salsa" was good -- but it always is as a rule, and of course pico de gallo is so basic that it's kind of hard to mess it up. It has nice chunks of ripe tomato and just the right amount of cilantro. There is also the obligatory -- for fast food, anyway -- shredded iceberg lettuce. It's nothing special, but believe me, you could do far worse.

In the end, even with the rubbery shrimp, it's not a bad taco. It's just a forgettable one.



PURCHASED FROM:
Taco Bell

PRICE:
$2.79

CALORIES:
180 calories per taco.

ADDITIONAL INFO:
Contains shellfish, eggs, milk, and wheat.

OFFICIAL WEBSITE:
tacobell.com

Taco Bell: Black Jack Taco

I may be the last reviewer on the planet who hasn't reviewed the new Black Jack taco from Taco Bell.

Not sure why it has taken me this long. I mean, it's got a black shell! How many black foods are there out there? (Don't answer that.) I tend to dress in head-to-toe black, and at the moment my hair is on the dark side, so why didn't this cute little basic black item grab my attention earlier? I dunno...but now, thanks to the Black Jack taco, I can look totally emo even while eating! (Wait...you mean emo isn't cool anymore?)



The Black Jack taco is pretty much a regular Taco Bell taco, but in a black shell. It's topped with the standard issue iceberg lettuce and shredded American cheese, topped with a "pepper jack sauce." Well, that last sounded awfully familar...and I confirmed with the Taco Bell staff that the "pepper jack sauce" doubles as the "Baja sauce" used on the Baja Gorditas. But I happen to like the Baja sauce, so that was a good thing as far as I am concerned.



So how did taste? Honestly, it tasted like a Taco Bell taco with Baja sauce. Beyond the cool color of the shell, there's nothing here that isn't already on the standard menu.

The meat has that slightly spicy, soft texture that Taco bell is known for.

The Baja sauce -- sorry, pepper jack sauce -- is good for what it is. It's creamy, a little zesty. It certainly isn't very spicy, nor very cheesy. But it's decent as a mass-produced condiment.

Well, at least it looks cool! (Check out Marvo's review here.)



PURCHASED FROM:
Taco Bell

Taco Bell Frutista Freeze: Piña Colada

I like getting caught in the rain, I'm not really into yoga, and on a good day I have half a brain. And sometimes I like a GOOD piña colada.

Please note emphasis of the word GOOD.



Granted, I was not expecting the work of a first-rate bartender to come out of Taco Bell, but there are some pretty decent non-alcoholic piña colada flavored drinks out there. (Sobe Lizard Blizzard, just to name one.)

Unfortunately, this Frutista Freeze is not one of them.

The beverage is satisfyingly thick -- sort of like an extra slushy Icee/Slurpee. While it looks very creamy, the flavor is all about the entirely too bitter pineapple and the super-fake coconut. There is an underlying sweetness but I couldn't tell you what it's from; standard corn syrup would be my guess. Finally, the whole thing is topped with chunks of canned pineapple, which was actually the best part.

Come to think of it, that was the only part that was any good. So why spend the money on this Frutista Freeze, when you can buy canned pineapple far cheaper, and sprinkle it upon any cold drink you wish? I have no answer for that...and I doubt Taco Bell does either.

This is yet another Frutista Freeze flavor I will be skipping in the future.



PURCHASED FROM:
Taco Bell

Taco Bell Fully Loaded Nachos

If you are anything like me at this point the thought of another bite of turkey leftovers is enough to send you riffling for something Else. and it is normally at that point for me that Taco Bell starts to sound pretty good.
Couple the fact that I am sick of turkey with the 900 commercials Taco Bell is running for the new Fully Loaded Nachos and I bet you know what I opted for.

According to the ad's and Taco Bell's website the nachos are topped with double the beef, guac, Fiesta salsa, sour cream, tortilla strips, nacho cheese, shredded cheese, beans and for just a little extra jalapenos if you desire. The whole thing is seated in a big taco shell and there is supposed to be topping in every bite.

I like Taco Bell nachos. They are just so bad they are good. The cheese is bright orange and way too salty, the meat is meat in the loosest sense of the word. The beans are the most plentiful of ingredients. And yet some how it all comes together.
The Fully Loaded nacho's are no exception to this- and I am a fan of the taco shell. It's just that for "fully loaded" the amount of topping is rather sparse. What's there is good but I think you get more bang for the buck with the Nacho's Bell Grande.

Hey at least it wasn't another piece of turkey!

PURCHASED FROM:

Taco Bell Frutista Freeze- Triple Berry Creme

I had vowed to myself after being less then in love with the Mango Strawberry version that I would just avoid the Frutista Freezes in the future

They are too sweet, the flavor is not exactly complex and for that many wasted calories I could have something really good.

Yeah, I vow a lot of things.
Tonight's trip to Taco Bell (I am poor this week) was at the end of a long day and since at 6:30 pm it was still well into the 90's (hello?- it is the end of October already!) a cold, sweet drink sounded pretty good. I decided to try the Triple Berry Creme.

If I had been expecting the drink to look like the picture I would have been disappointed. The ribbons of creme are not as visable, at first I was worried that maybe they left the cream out entirely but in decent lighting they are faintly there. Taste wise there is a pleasent fake vanilla cream taste. I think if the creme had been there in larger amounts it would have been over kill. As it is the vanilla while again, compleatly artifical tastes pretty good.

The berries are a mix of raspberry, strawberry and a berry a can't quite idenify and the Taco Bell website offers no info on. Normally not a big strawberry fan I have to say I like the blend of the berries here. The raspberries kept the strawberry from being too sweet and the strawberries kept the raspberries from being to cloying. The bits of strawberry pulp offer some nice texture.

I liked this version much better the Mango Strawberry.

PURCHASED FROM:
Taco Bell

Taco Bell Frutista Freeze- Mango Strawberry

It's not often that I take a trip to Taco Bell
Nothing against them- I just am lucky enough to live across the street from a La Salsa and I just can't get enough of they're fish taco's. But today had me craving Taco Bell's crunchy taco's so off I went.

I also used this as a chance to try the relatively new Frutista Freeze drink. The Frutista's are a slushy fruit flavored drink that feature being made with real strawberries but no real fruit juice (so figure that one out). I chose to try the mango version because I am not the biggest strawberry fan and I wanted to feel like I was getting something remotely exotic.

It was not love at first taste. The mango version is intensly sweet. Almost overpoweringly sweet. But the odd thing is that it starts to grow on you. It's not a natural mango by any strech but it was a tasty treat. And yes, there are in fact real strawberries on top.