Jelly Belly Chocolate Dips

First of all, I feel the need to apologize to the nice people at Jelly Belly. They actually sent this box out to me just prior to Christmas, and due to snowballing events (a good majority of which included the six inches of snow that pretty much shut down Atlanta), I have not actually gotten around to doing the review until now...and really I hate being so tardy. Mea culpa.

I actually was really excited to try these beans after reading Candy Blog's review in early December, when Cybele got her hands on a box.

I have long loved Jelly Belly's beans, and oddly enough, as much as I dislike coconut, that is my favorite flavor jelly bean. I was sent the five flavor gift box. The official Jelly Belly website also offers a rather impressive selection of ways to get the dipped beans besides the gift boxes. Inside the box, in little bean-shaped wells, the dipped beans sit clearly marked so you don't have to guess which kind you're getting. The five flavors are Very Cherry, Orange, Raspberry, Coconut, and Strawberry. And since that's the way they're placed in the box, I am going to review them in that order.



As far as the chocolate coating goes, each bean is completely enrobed in a layer of glossy chocolate. But as Cybele points out in her review, the size of the bean is identical to its non-dipped siblings. This is because the chocolate replaces the normal sugary shell that would cover the bean's center. Knowing that kind of disappointed me prior to tasting, because I am one of those people who like the slightly crunchy texture that you get biting into a normal jelly bean. But hey, we have chocolate! So maybe I shouldn't be preemptively whining.



The chocolate is simply identified as Dark Chocolate, but I could not tell you the cocoa percentage. When you open the box, the aroma is vaguely chocolatey and sort of fruity. The beans, of course, are sealed by the chocolate; so I was not expecting a strong fruit smell.



Very Cherry:

This was the flavor I was least looking forward to. I am not a fan of cherry candy as a rule, but I was glad it was first, because I figured it would be all uphill from here.

The chocolate is a thin layer that dissolves quickly (if you're the kind who lets your beans melt in your mouth rather than chewing it). It tastes OK. It's not the best chocolate, but it certainly is not the worst. It is a very mild dark -- enough that in the case of the cherry, it provided some nice contrast to the sweetness of the bean. I have to say my fears about the texture were wasted. I really liked how it was basically a nice soft jelly. It reminded me of the chocolate covered jelly sticks I like.

The cherry itself is strong. They have always reminded me exactly of a Luden's cough drop. It will never be my favorite flavor but I give it points for not having a bitter aftertaste.


Orange:

Orange and dark chocolate are always a winning combination and this bean is no exception. It's a nice zesty orange. I really liked the fact that Jelly Belly didn't hold back on the flavor; this is a seriously strong orange. I think the chocolate helped sweeten it up a little, and that may help those of you who prefer your orange a little tame. I like the boldness and think this is one of the best orange-chocolate combos ever.


Raspberry:

Like the orange, this is pretty much a classic chocolate and jelly flavor combination. The raspberry has a very floral quality to it. It reminded me of a raspberry liqueur (like Chambord). I really liked the fact that it was a very grown-up, realistic raspberry flavor instead of something artificial. Again, I think for a time tested chocolate/jelly candy it is on par with the best of the best.



Strawberry:

Ok, I admit it: I was not really looking forward to this one. I love fresh strawberries, but strawberry-flavored items tend to have a nasty aftertaste for me. And unfortunately, this was no exception. Which was a bummer, because after the orange and raspberry beans being so outstanding, I'd gotten my hopes up. Sadly, this bean is just too darn sweet. It skirts the line between tasting like the actual berry, and every cheap strawberry flavored gum on the planet. I think I actually liked the Very Cherry more. And that, my friends, is saying something.

Finally, I saved the one I was most looking forward to for last. (OK, so I just messed up the order in which they're packaged. Shoot me, why doncha?) And that one would be...


Coconut:

Blame it on a young love of piña colada flavored items and the smell of certain sunscreens. Once again, while I hate actual coconut, the coconut bean has always been my favorite of the Jelly Bellys. I know that makes pretty much no sense, but that's the way it is. (OK, that and toasted marshmallow ones -- how great would that be chocolate coated?) I like the slight vanilla edge it has and the sweet tropical flavor. Incidentally, I have already announced I will not be sharing the remainder of these beans, so don't even ask -- y'all know who y'all are!


As a whole, I really liked the Chocolate Dips. I hope they expand the line to more flavors -- I am nominating the marshmallow and popcorn beans.

Since this is a gift box, I am going to give it an overall rating rather than rating the individual beans -- but remember that each bean is also available on its own. If I had rated them individually, I can tell you that the Orange, Raspberry, and Coconut would each be solid, orgasmic 11's...but the Very Cherry and the Strawberry dragged the average down. It's still a very nice gift box, though.



PURCHASED FROM:
Sample from company

PRICE:
My box was a manufacturer's sample. It sells for $5.99 on the Jelly Belly website.

CALORIES:
150 calories per 40 beans.

ADDITIONAL INFO:
Box doesn't give any allergen information.

OFFICIAL WEBSITE:
jellybelly.com

Ben & Jerry's Berry Voluntary: Target Exclusive Flavor

It may may have been a hot and cruel summer for the rest of the country, but summer came late to Southern California this year. And now that it's here, as far as I am concerned it can go away again. I'm sorry, but there is just something wrong when it's so hot inside your apartment that the back of your thighs are sticking to the sofa cushions...and the sofa is cloth upholstered...and the AC is running full blast! If that doesn't scream "ice cream for dinner weather," I don't know what does.

OK, maybe I really just wanted to have ice cream for dinner. Don't judge me.

Earlier in the summer, Ben & Jerry's partnered up with Target to offer the special, Target-exclusive flavors of Berry Voluntary and Brownie Chew Gooder. If you didn't get the hint of the names, they are part of a program that Ben & Jerry's is sponsoring with Volunteermatch.org called Scoop It Forward. Basically, if you visit that website and volunteer your time and service to the local charity of your choice, Ben & Jerry's will reward you with free ice cream. Now how cool is that?

It probably would have been selfish of me to simply eat the ice cream and not volunteer my time for something. So, with that in mind, I have actually voluntarily appointed myself to be the official Food Blogger Spokesperson for Lupus. As someone who lives with lupus, I will grant that I am biased towards finding new treatment options and ultimately a cure. (I actually am planning a post around that, but please feel free to send questions my way in the meantime.)



Well, since I have been such a good person, I have earned some ice cream...right?

Damn right!

I decided to start with Berry Voluntary. I love most raspberry flavored items -- and how could I not love raspberry flavored ice cream?

Berry Voluntary has a raspberry cheesecake flavored base with white chocolate chunks and a raspberry swirl. The base has a purple-tinged color. The raspberry is nice and soft. It's not too sour, and tastes pretty natural. I also like the fact that it's raspberry cheesecake. The "cheesecake" portion keeps the flavor a little tart and tangy. In fact, it reminded me of frozen Greek yogurt. The raspberry swirl was my favorite part. I will admit that it tastes like every other raspberry swirl on the planet -- which is to say a little sweet and almost candylike, but I happen to like that taste.

As for the white chocolate... (sigh) why must it always be white chocolate? Indiana Jones has snakes, and I have white chocolate.

Never let it be said that I won't take one for the team, however. Because it's Ben & Jerry's, the chunks of white chocolate are ginormous (which, to be honest, also made them easy to avoid). Honestly, I have a hard time really giving an opinion here because I just don't like white chocolate to begin with. It's got a good texture, there's some nice snap. It's the taste that I just don't like. It has that kinda vanilla-like, mostly just sugary oil taste that all white chocolate has to me. I suppose if you're a fan of white chocolate, it'll be just fine. But if you're like me...well, I did mention that the chunks are huge and thus easy to avoid.



Even with the white chocolate I still really liked this flavor. It's definitely worth picking up next time you're at a Target store.

Be sure to check out Marvo's review of both of the Target-exclusive flavors here.



PURCHASED FROM:
Target

PRICE:
$2.50

CALORIES:
250 calories per 1/2 cup

OFFICIAL WEBSITE:
benjerry.com

Necco Sweethearts: New Moon Fire & Ice Special Editions

Here's something that doesn't make a lot of sense to me. As everyone who doesn't live under a rock knows, Eclipse -- the third film entry into the Twilight saga -- comes out on June 30th. And with that in mind, there has actually not been quite the merchandising push prior to its release as there was with New Moon. I am not sure if there won't be as many Eclipse-related items, or if they are just releasing them closer to the actual movie.

Necco has been the chief candy maker for all of the Twilight confections since the first movie. And when I saw these at the store, I found myself wondering if it was a product I'd overlooked around the time of New Moon's release -- and it turns out that it was. The Fire & Ice Sweethearts were apparently introduced at TwiCon last summer (don't get too excited and start making plans to go -- apparently there will be no 2010 events run by TwiCon). In any event, it seems they are back just in time for Eclipse. (In fact, these boxes are dated 2010.)

Unlike the Forbidden Fruits Sweethearts mixes -- which featured three different boxes, each with a different main character on it, but the same candy inside -- the Fire & Ice mixes are completely different.

The boxes have Jacob representing Fire, and Edward representing Ice. Even though the candy is still branded as New Moon, the Fire & Ice comparisons actually come directly from a chapter in Eclipse. How do I even know that? "Gigi!" you might be screaming at your computer, to the horror or amusement of co-workers, family or friends -- "you didn't actually read the books, did you?"

DON'T JUDGE ME, DAMMIT! I decided a few months ago that if I was going to bag on the series relentlessly, I should at least read it and make educated disparaging remarks. I still say I have read better-written pamphlets from the pharmacy -- but yes, I did actually end up liking the story itself. I know, I know...even I am kind of ashamed of myself.

Anyway, let's get to the review before I embarrass myself further. The boxes are marked "1 of 2" and "2 of 2," with Fire being placed first. So that's the order we'll review them in.

Texture-wise, these hearts are the same as every other Necco heart made since the dawn of time. It's pressed dextrose...so there is only so much we can reasonably expect. They are chalky and crumbly when you bite into them; grainy and slow to melt if you hold them on your tongue.

So how did they taste?...


FIRE:



The Jacob-inspired Fire mix consists of two flavors: "Steamy Chocolate" and "Hotter Than Apple Pie." Kind of a weird combo if you ask me (and they didn't), but whatever...

The flavors are supposed to have an "intense surge of heat," according to the box. Also unlike the Forbidden Fruits mix, these hearts are not sparkly -- but that makes sense, as Jacob is a wolf and the sparkling is restricted to the vampires.



Like all other Sweethearts Necco makes, each heart is branded with little words or sayings. Mine said things like "Team Jacob" and "Howl." The printing is just plain unreadable or missing off of most of the pieces.

"Steamy Hot Chocolate": This heart has a flavor that I can best describe as "essence of chocolate syrup." If you have ever been so desperate for a chocolate fix that you hit that bottle of syrup that had been lurking in the fridge for far too long...well, it sort of tastes like that. It's clear that chocolate is the flavor they are aiming for, but it's more like the idea of chocolate than the real thing. It does indeed get a little warm in your mouth. Not sure why, though it's vaguely cinnamony. And it's not all that interesting, let alone intense.



"Hotter Than Apple Pie": You know those horrible cinnamon-apple scents some stores use in their restrooms? Imagine sucking on that. It's mostly a cinnamon taste -- think cinnamon from uncooked instant oatmeal. As for the apple, it's fake, chemical-tasting, but mercifully it's barely noticeable.The only redeeming thing about this flavor was eventually the aftertaste died. (But it took its sweet time.) Absolutely horrible.

I am sincerely hoping for better luck with the Ice mix...



PURCHASED FROM:
Albertsons Supermarket

PRICE:
$0.99

CALORIES:
160 calories per 40 pieces.

ADDITIONAL INFO:
Processed in a facility that also processes peanuts, tree nuts, milk, eggs, wheat and soy.

OFFICIAL WEBSITE:
necco.com




ICE:



Ice is mascotted by Edward, with his fashionably mussed-up hair and slightly tortured emo gaze. He's sensitive, damn it! And you stonehearted bastards don't care!! (Well, at least he doesn't whine like a certain young Anakin Skywalker we could mention. Yes, folks, I am still bitter about whiny teenage Skywalker from Episode II.) These hearts do sparkle -- like Edward -- and also have nearly unreadable sayings like "Risky" and "Bite me."



The two flavors are "Raspberry Freezeout" and "Lime Frostbite." And the box smells like a convenience store Squishy gone horribly wrong.

"Raspberry Freezeout": Like all modern raspberry flavored items, it's a frosty blue rather than a reddish hue. This one starts off pretty good. For the first few seconds it's like every "blue" squishy on the planet...and then the aftertaste kicks in. I don't know how many old ladies' perfumes they had to swipe to make this flavor, but if Bubbe or Grandma asks for a bottle for her next gift-getting occasion...well, I have a good idea as to why. I actually could not finish an entire heart. Talk about sucking.



"Lime Frostbite": This was hands down the best flavor in the bunch. It tasted as if they'd made candy out of lime "juice" mix. It's a little tangy, a little sweet. It's very artificial, but it still tasted pretty good. These I would actually eat on their own.

This mix is getting a higher rating only because of the lime.



PURCHASED FROM:
Albertsons Supermarket

PRICE:
$0.99

CALORIES:
160 calories per 40 pieces.

ADDITIONAL INFO:
Processed in a facility that also processes peanuts, tree nuts, milk, eggs, wheat and soy.

OFFICIAL WEBSITE:
necco.com

Skittles Fizzl'd Fruits

When Cybele reviewed the new Skittles Fizzl'd Fruits, it was the first time in forever that I was excited to try a Skittles product.

I liked the Sour skittles when they first came out, but I don't really care one way or the other for the current version. I tried the Cores, but never bothered to review them. But these, these FIZZ! How do you not like a candy that could make you look like you have rabies and lets you talk like a rapper, and we all know I likes that fo' sho' (OK, the lame white girlness is showing, lol).



There are five flavors in the mix: Berry Punch, Melon Berry, Raspberry, Strawberry and Wild Cherry. As Cybele pointed out, if you think you've heard this list before, you're right -- because they are the same five flavors used in the Wild Berry mix.

Each Skittle on its own has that sandy, muted look to it -- sort of like the Sour Skittles. Each Skittle seems to have the same sweet, sort of fruity smell. The texture is also the same, regardless of flavor: chewy inside, semi hard crust.

The fizzing starts as soon as the Skittle hits your tongue, and then goes flat after about 10 seconds. It's sort of rough and scratchy on the tongue. I wish the fizz lasted longer because it is a cool sensation. For the heck of it I tried loading up on several Skittles at a time. It doesn't last any longer, but because you have more than one in your mouth it is more intense (gee, that doesn't sound too dirty). It also has an almost salty taste that goes with it -- not enough to stop you from wanting more, but it is there. Putting on my Alton Brown Junior Food Detective Hat, as best I can tell, the salty flavor comes from the sodium bicarbonate that is actually used to make the fizz. As you may have guessed from the word sodium being used in the name, it is in fact a salt and thus would taste salty. Yes folks, hard hitting food journalism is what I got going here.



The above picture shows a happily fizzing Skittle that has been moistened with a drop of simple tap water, so no disgusting, juvenile jokes please! That's my job.

Anyway, let's talk about the flavors.

Two of the five flavors are red. And truthfully, no matter how hard we tried, we just could not get a picture where you could really tell the difference. (When you actually have the real thing in front of you it is a little easier.) The darker red is wild cherry and the lighter red is strawberry. Use your imagination in place of a decent photo for this.

Wild cherry:



If you have ever had a "cherry" cough drop and really wished it was fizzy, then this is your lucky day. The flavor is all fake cherry and red dye. This is always the Skittles flavor I prefer to avoid. In fact, I wonder if anyone in the world really ever likes the cherry flavors that get stuck in these mixes. Maybe it's a vast candy conspiracy. Maybe candy makers have to keep using it because long ago the original batch of cherry flavoring somehow took on a life of its own, and turned into some sort of always-growing amorphous mass (sort of like The Blob), and the only way to keep it in check and prevent it from oozing its way to world domination is to suck out large quantities at a time and use it to flavor what could otherwise have been good candy. The Cherry Flavoring Mass (CFM) is probably imprisoned in some sort of top secret lair buried deep in a mountain where it's closely guarded by security guys in red shirts -- and because we all know what tends to happen to security guys in red shirts, I am sure it's a constantly changing guard. (I wonder if they have to hire via Craigslist?) Candy companies are then forced by our government to come and take some of the goo and use it in their products. Hmmm, you know, now that I have said it, I firmly believe that is the only reason we keep getting subjected to bad cherry flavoring.

OK... that may have been a little far fetched. I highly doubt our government is capable of executing such a complex and secret multi-level plan, much less force it on the public and still keep it a secret. Silly me...it's clearly an evil plot of the Bilderbergs.

Strawberry:



In the normal Skittles mix I actually like this flavor. And for just a moment when it first hits your tongue, it picks up almost a cotton candy taste. Once that wears off I think the lingering aftertaste from the fizz makes it taste sort of like air freshener.

Melon Berry:



This is a nice sour melon. Sort of like unripe cantaloupe mixed with watermelon. I like this flavor a lot on its own. What I found weird is that even though each appears to have the same amount of powdered fizz on them, they don't seem to actually fizz as much as the other flavors. I have no idea why. It must be related some shadowy Masonic plot.

Berry Punch:



This flavor actually reminded me of grape soda, sweet and bubbly. I know it's supposed to be berry flavored, but it just screams grape to me -- maybe it's the purple.

Raspberry:



Again, are there ever enough blue foods? (No, there aren't...and you can surely blame the Illuminati for that.) The fact that it's blue was pretty much the highlight of this Skittle for me. It's not a bad flavor; it's just sort of generic raspberry. And much like the Melon Berry, the fizz level seems unusually low compared to the other flavors.

My feelings overall? Meh. The Wild Berry mix has never been my favorite. I like the Tropical mix the best, actually. So the actual flavors didn't wow me. At the same time, with the exception of the wild cherry, there are no flavors in the mix I would go out of my way to avoid. I really liked the fizzy effect. I just wish it had been more consistent between the flavors. Would I buy them again? No, probably not, but I would eat them if offered to me. I would love to see them try this idea with the soda-inspired flavors, and with the fizz kicked up a little.

Of course, being me, I had to try an experiment. (None of this reflects on the rating -- I did it strictly for fun.) If you sip soda with two Skittles in your mouth, the fizz sensation prolongs a bit. Dropping a couple of Skittles into a little soda gives a super short (about three seconds) Alka Seltzer type fizz in the cup -- but it also makes the Skittle as hard as a rock. I wonder how many skittles and how much soda it would take to make a Diet Coke/Mentos style volcano? Sadly, as Gigi has neither the outdoor space nor the time to test it, the world will have to wait on some other nerd to figure that one out.



PURCHASED FROM:
7-11

PRICE:
$1.09

CALORIES:
200 calories per bag.

ADDITIONAL INFO:
Gluten free, gelatin free.

OFFICIAL WEBSITE:
skittles.com

Orbit Mist: Raspberry Lemon Dew

Orbit introduced the Mist line last year. The idea behind the gum is that it causes your mouth to get extra moist, giving you a "hydrating sensation" (aka more spit).

I have liked two of the other Mist flavors I tried; the Spearmint Spritzer especially.



When I saw the new Raspberry Lemon Dew flavor I had to try it. (Yeah, like I wasn't going to!) I love raspberry lemonade; and I figured that if the gum tasted even a little like that, I knew I would like it.



Smelling the gum -- because everyone smells their gum, right? -- it was like powdered raspberry drink mix. But chewing the gum, the flavor that you get is all bright lemon zest! I will grant you it's a pretty fake lemon flavor, but that doesn't mean it tastes bad. If you were really looking forward to the raspberry side of things, well...yeah, you can smell it, and it's sort of there for the aftertaste, but the flavor is nearly all about the lemon.



And that would be just fine-- we all know I love lemon -- except that the flavor wears off in less than five minutes. Not a beautiful thing if you're looking for a long chew.

A good enough flavor while it lasts, but there's just not enough staying power to make it worthwhile.



PURCHASED FROM:
Albertsons Supermarket

PRICE:
$1.69

CALORIES:
5 calories per piece.

ADDITIONAL INFO:
Contains many chemicals.

OFFICIAL WEBSITE:
wrigley.com

Chocolate Covered Matzoh

Matzoh is arguably the most important food item when it comes to Passover, and it seemed only fitting to kick off Kosher Week with matzoh. Plain matzoh is eaten several times over the Seder dinner during the ritual portions of the meal (for a pretty good explanation on the order in which the Seder proceeds, check out this link).

Matah comes in several savory flavors -- although I am partial to "plain," which is sort of like a less salty version of a saltine cracker.

But one of the special things that make an appearance in mainstream stores at Passover time (and if it's a good store, Chanukkah as well) is chocolate covered matzoh! This is one of those items that, while it may not be part of the actual ceremonial portion of the dinner, always seems to be around as dessert or as a snack.

I got three different versions and opted to do it as one post, because there is just not enough that will really be different to warrant three separate reviews. But I will rate them and provide separate info for each.



Holiday Candies Milk Chocolate Covered Egg Matzoh:

Inside the box lay are large squares of milk chocolate covered matzoh (they are roughly 6" x 6"). The smell as you open the box is that of cheap Easter candy. Overly sweet and reeking of vanillin (which, not surprisingly,is exactly what is used). The chocolate is oily, and just on smell alone I was not looking forward to this one.



And sometimes first impressions are right on...

The chocolate is absolutely vile. Way too sweet, and yup, the fake vanilla dominates. And there is an odd, almost plastic-like aftertaste.



Worse yet, the matzoh itself was stale. The flavor was...well, I couldn't tell you, because the chocolate is so strong. Pharaoh can have these, because I don't want them!



PURCHASED FROM:
Albertsons Supermarket

PRICE:
$2.99

CALORIES:
160 calories per 1/3 piece (or 33 grams).

ADDITIONAL INFO:
Made on equipment shared with soy, tree nuts, and peanuts. Kosher, dairy.

OFFICIAL WEBSITE:
None.






Osem Israeli Matzah Raspberry Flavored Chocolate Coated Matzah:

These matzohs have a dark chocolate base, and come in several sheets that are longer but thinner than the Holiday Candies version (these are 7"x3.5"). Right out the box, they have a nice smell to them. They instantly reminded me of raspberry jelly roll candy.



The chocolate is quite bitter, and there is almost a floral/perfume taste to it. It smells a lot better than it tastes.

The matzoh itself is quite good. Crispy and fresh. I actually like the Osem brand plain matzoh on its own, so it's not a stretch that I'd like the base used here.



Bottom line: it's not as bad as some other chocolate covered matzoh I have reviewed, but I wouldn't call it good either.



PURCHASED FROM:
Vons Supermarket

PRICE:
$2.50

CALORIES:
201 per 1 matzah.

ADDITIONAL INFO:
Dairy free, parve, made in Israel. Kosher, Kosher for Passover.

OFFICIAL WEBSITE:
osem.co.il






Osem Israeli Matzah Orange Flavored Chocolate Covered Matzah:



Just like its raspberry flavored sibling, this is a dark chocolate covered matzoh. And again, like the raspberry sibling, it had the wonderful smell of a jelly candy.

This is hands down the best of the three. The orange is zesty and pairs well with the bitter chocolate. Again, the matzoh is crispy and fresh.



This particular one makes an addicting little snack, Passover or no.



PURCHASED FROM:
Vons Supermarket

PRICE:
$2.50

CALORIES:
201 calories per 1 matzah.

ADDITIONAL INFO:
Dairy free, parve, made in Israel. Kosher, Kosher for Passover.

OFFICIAL WEBSITE:
osem.co.il

Snake Bitez: Gummi Snakes

I know you are probably sitting there asking yourself why anyone would want to review gummy snakes. Oh, and did I mention they are (almost) three foot long gummy snakes? Honestly, it was because my inner Samuel L. Jackson just could not resist putting these Mother Farking Snakes on my Mother Farking Blog!

Of course I tasted them like the true badass I am, wearing cool shades (indoors) and saying the "F" word a lot. (OK, I kinda do that anyway, so I guess I can't blame Sam or the snakes.) I can assure you, however, that when faced with a real snake, my demeanor is not quite so icy cool.

Nooooo, I am not a fan of real snakes. Our former home in rural Georgia had a rather picturesque pond and stream on the property. And while that looked pretty, it also meant we had snakes. Lots of snakes. Nasty snakes. Lots of nasty snakes. Both water moccasins and copperheads were plentiful. You couldn't escape to higher ground either, as there were rattlesnakes in the fields and woods. Once we found a snake swimming in our pool (which was already kinda gross after being left untreated and covered with a winter tarp for several months). And because I am a giver, I have posted below a picture of the actual beastie:



Would it shock you to learn that I pretty much hated going outdoors? And yes, I know they are supposedly more afraid of me than I am of them, blah, blah, blaaaaahhh. Yeah, right. Listen, I've watched enough bad snake movies to know -- know, I tell you! -- that lurking somewhere in the murky depths of our peaceful little stream, there was a giant fifty foot...no, eighty foot...no, hundred foot long snake, just waiting to kill me and swallow me like a Tater Tot. (C'mon, think of all the candy I consume. If you are what you eat, then I am filled with sugary goodness, and what snake could resist that?)

Anyway, getting back to the review...



The Snake Bitez snakes come in two flavors. The blue and white one is called "Biting Blue Raspberry" and the green and orange one is called "Apple Assault." In both cases the snakes are well molded, and there is a surprising amount of detail in them. They actually have little eyes and scales.

As for the texture: it is the same regardless of the flavor. The snakes themselves are about two inches around. That may not sound like much in the scheme of things, but it makes for a pretty thick slab of gummy. Through the thin cellophane wrapping you can feel that the gummy is soft and pliable. Actually biting into the gummy, it is much chewier then you would expect from touching it. In fact it's downright tough to chew.

So how did they taste?

We'll start with the Biting Blue Raspberry:



This is a pretty bright Windex blue and opaque white snake (the bottoms of both snakes are a bright yellow). It smells like a blue Squishy.




The flavor is bitter -- more, I think, from the dye used than any other reason. In terms of the raspberry, it tastes stale and musty. It's like they used the flavor from the world's oldest Squishy -- and even that doesn't clearly describe the awfulness. It's not like I was expecting fresh picked raspberry, but there are far better examples of good fake raspberry flavor out there. This one was just nasty.

Oh, and the aftertaste lingers. And lingers. And lingers...

Now, on to the Apple Assault:



This snake has alternating bands of green and orange (and yes, the yellow bottom). It doesn't have any scent to it.



This snake is also more bitter (though less so than the Biting Blue Raspberry) than there seems to be reason for -- but the flavor is much, much better. While this is clearly an artificial apple flavor, is it a good one. It's sweet and juicy -- kinda like every other green apple flavored candy you have ever had. If not for the same bitter notes that plagued the other snake, this would actually be a damn good gummy.

So, where do these rate on the scale? (Scales...get it? I am SOOOOOOOOO funny, she hissed to herself...oh my gawd, did I actually say hissed? I am so hilarious I slay myself...oooooooooh ha ha ha hee hee hurf hurf hyuk...)

The Biting Blue Raspberry:



The Apple Assault:



PURCHASED FROM:
Blockbuster Video

PRICE:
$2.99 (per snake)

CALORIES:
170 calories per 1/4 snake (or 50 grams)

ADDITIONAL INFO:
Contains pork and/or beef based gelatin, so not kosher and not vegetarian.

OFFICIAL WEBSITE:
candyasap.com