Sunday, May 24, 2009

Jelly Belly Cold Stone Creamery Ice Cream Parlor Mix

I don't review jelly beans often, because I don't eat jelly beans as a rule. But even though I am not a huge jelly bean fan, I do like Jelly Belly's flavors and I thought the Cold Stone mix would be pretty good.

The five flavors in the mix are:
* Chocolate Devotion
* Our Strawberry Blond
* Birthday Cake Remix
* Mint Mint Chocolate Chocolate Chip
* Apple Pie a la Cold Stone

I won't lie to you -- opening the bag did NOT smell good. It was as if a Yankee Candle store had exploded like a modern-day Alderon, leaving little jelly-filled, artificially flavored meteorites behind.

So how did the jelly beans taste? Read and weep...

Chocolate Devotion: The package blurb describes it as "chocolate ice cream, chocolate chips, brownie and fudge." In real life, it is more like the bastard child of a tube of chocolate Bonne Bell LipSmacker and a Cocoa Puff. The first flavor is an overwhelming strong, waxy cocoaesque flavor. Chocolate ice cream, chips, brownies or fudge, it certainly is not. I couldn't get past eating two.

Our Strawberry Blonde: "Strawberry ice cream, graham cracker pie crust, strawberries, caramel and whipped topping." It's funny that this was the flavor I thought I would like the least, and I liked it the most. The first flavor reminded me most of generic "pink" sulfa medication. Fortunately, that flavor quickly fades once you are through the crusty panned sugar top. After that, as far I am concerned, the flavor was exactly like cling peaches in heavy syrup. I didn't get strawberry, graham cracker, caramel or whipped topping at all. It fails as a strawberry flavor, but it's great for peach.

Birthday Cake Remix: "Cake Batter ice cream, rainbow sprinkles, brownie and fudge." I am not even going to try to nice this up. The only good part was when it was over. It's like eating a candle, and a cheap one at that. Actually, no, it's not even that good -- this stuff tastes exactly the way Johnson's Baby Powder smells. Birthday Cake Remix is my favorite Cold Stone ice cream flavor, and it's been massacred.

Mint Mint Chocolate Chocolate Chip: "Mint ice cream, chocolate chips, brownies and fudge." Sorry, no. Cheap mint mouthwash meets envelope paste meets LipSmacker meets chocolate Slim Fast is more like it. 'Nuff said.

Apple Pie a la Cold Stone: "French vanilla ice cream, cinnamon, graham cracker crust, apple pie filling and caramel." This reminded me exactly of apple oatmeal. It's got that fake dried apple flavor, but it's so fake it's actually good. The cinnamon comes through and even the caramel is there (just a little tiny bit).

Where did these go so wrong? Jelly Belly flavors are, as a rule, pretty close to whatever they are trying to taste like, and these beans just weren't. Next time I want Cold Stone, I am just going to get the ice cream. And if I want the beans I will stick to the Toasted Marshmallow that I love.


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